In an attempt to ride on the success of the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter sales giants, Walt Disney Pictures decided to finally release a movie version of The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis, fifty years after the book release (there was a BBC series back in 1988 that no one other than myself and Wikipedia seems to remember). So far, two movies into the seven book series, the movies have garnered over 744 million dollars (or, the cost of running GW for two months).

Anyone who knows anything about the books or movies or the author knows that, yeah, there are firm Christian undertones throughout the series. For those of you already lost because somehow you never read the Chronicles of Narnia, take my word for it. Rumor has it Lewis intended to recreate various biblical books, although I don't know how valid that is. At the least, The Magician's Nephew is a clear allegory of Genesis, and The Last Battle is his take on the book of Revelation.

And it is The Last Battle that I'm writing about. See, I still think Narnia is a decent book series. A Horse and His Boy is pretty shit, but the main series was solid, and The Voyage of the Dawn Treader is one of the most charming rewritings of the quest for the Holy Grail I've ever read.

But, just like the religious are prone to do, Lewis negated all the good he ever did by writing one of the worst children's books I've ever read, and ending his series on a horrifying note. Keep in mind, this book will probably also be recreated in movie form, so all of this can impress some nerds in about 20 years when it's out.

The Last Battle opens with, unbelievably, a criticism of evolution. We see an ape that's not quite an ape, but looks almost human, named Shift. Haha! How clever, C. S. Lewis! You sure proved Jesus there! Guess what, this Shift half-ape is also the Antichrist. Yeah. Keep in mind, previous to this, the series was rarely so obvious. Sure, he threw a few jabs at false Christians and God's tests of faith, but for fuck's sake.

Anyways, Shift has a “friend” named Puzzle, probably the most redeeming aspect of the book, a talking donkey who isn't very smart. The best part about this is the British apparently use the term “ass” a lot to describe donkeys so the book is full of ass which if you are five years old is very very funny! Shift treats Puzzle kind of like shit; he will always take credit for ideas even though Puzzle does all the work and suffers more, and so Puzzle's a little likeable just because he's kind of fucked up.

Shift picks up a lion skin and comes up with the idea of dressing Puzzle up like a lion and pretending that he is Aslan, the Jesus Lion. Somehow like no time passes but all of Narnia believes it, and King Tirian and his unicorn Jewel (Lisa Frank smiles in her one-bedroom apartment, surrounded by limited edition Beanie Babies) go and fuck up some Calormenes but get captured.

Calormenes come from a nearby land and want to use the lands of Narnia to get a bunch of money.

According to C. S. Lewis, they are also dirty fucking Muslims who worship a birdheaded demon with six arms.

Yep! The Calormenes, described as darkskinned and speaking strange languages, all worship this bird headed false God named Tash that demands sacrifices and shit and Jesus fucking Christ they are going to release this a movie in the future. Apologists like to say that Lewis included some good darkskinned characters, such as in A Horse and His Boy. Of course, aside from being the second worst thing he wrote, A Horse and His Boy features a darky who converts to Jesus Lion soon after being introduced. The Last Battle also features a good darky who loves his demon God but only the good aspects! See, you can save those horrible Muslims if you just talk to the ones that don't sacrifice human beings!

So, two heavy handed symbologies later and some of the kids from a previous Narnia book show up and some stuff happens. There's a bit of confusion about this Tash guy and what he is and a shed where people go to get eaten and then Aslan ends the world because apparently even though they could survive an oppressive leader who turned all her opposers to stone, Narnia can't possibly take freedom of religion and needs to be smited.

Anyways, they go into the death shed and hey, it's all the humans from earth in the shed. Peter, Lucy, Edmund, Eustace, Jill, Polly, and Digory are all inside for some reason, even though they were forbidden from returning to Narnia again (guess the plot twist coming up kids!)

But, if you saw the first movie you'll notice a name's missing. Where's Susan?

Susan is a dirty fucking slut who doesn't get to play in Narnia anymore!

Verbatim from my copy of the book: “'Oh Susan!' said Jill, 'she's interested in nothing now-a-days except nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on being grown-up'”

It's amazing the level of apologism that Wikipedia has on this subject. Oh it's not sexuality Lewis is against, it's that Susan made them her life! She should have kept talking about the Jesus Lion and Mugglewumps and killing muslims with her family! It's not sexuality at all, she's just being material which is why she is interested in nylons and lipstick and party invites. No one has EVER bought those things for the purpose of fucking!

There's a bit more after this, including a kind of funny if obvious allegory with some Dwarves that don't believe in the Jesus Lion and pretty much illustrate Plato's cave, but let's skip ahead, keeping in mind Susan is a big ole slut because she wanted to look pretty and maybe play bury the baguette with the cute French boy next door.

As those of you who took my advice of guessing the plot twist no doubt realized, Aslan pops in again to say that the reason they are back at Narnia is because they all died. See, the train was coming around the corner and then suddenly went off track and killed the people waiting at the station and themselves. But it's okay! The shed is filled with a real Narnia, and it's beautiful and wonderful and it's heaven and look there are their parents and they are gone from the Shadow Lands and get to be in heaven with Jesus Lion.

A gay ending really, but one of the few ways the damn thing could end. Everyone is happy. Except for Susan, who is such a big slut that she doesn't get to heaven. No.

Instead she gets to identify her entire extended family's bodies in a terrible train crash.

This wonderful little detail of course gets skipped over by Lewis. It doesn't matter that poor Susan is now an orphan because she bought a vibrator, or that all the muslims damn the world to destruction because they dared question the Jesus Lion, or that you know, his allegory for muslims were capitalist baby killers. People who believe in the Jesus Lion get to be happy!

Walt Disney may be an anti-semite who is possibly now a popsicle but even he wouldn't want his name attached to this shit. So hey kids, when it does come out, remember where you heard about how utterly fucked the series become and don't go to see it!

Or you know, if you hate muslims and think all women are sluts, have I got a movie for you!

Think I'm wrong? Think I'm right (this is the correct answer)? Discuss on the forums!

One last note: Neil Gaiman wrote a short story about this subject. It was awful but like all Neil Gaiman shit you will probably get some girls inexplicably aroused if you mention it, so google and you'll find it if you're creative. It's called The Problem with Susan.

Warning: chances are these girls will be incredibly ugly.