It's amazing how much gamers call politicians names for trying to regulate them and do not realize how many of their own beloved creators are pretty awful people. Thus, I feel it is my duty to tell you about the biggest douchebags in the gaming industry, because I too am a douchebag. They will be rated with douchebag heads, which is a picture of some guido dude I found on Google. Five douchebags is the worst, like sleeping with your friend's sister and then spreading rumors that she's a big ole slut, one is just a little bit douchey, like playing an acoustic guitar in public.

Shigeru Miyamoto


Theories abound about Miyamoto's prediliction for turtlenecks, whether he suffers from John McCain Neck or has embarassing one night stands with fanboys and has to cover up hickeys like in a subplot of Boy Meets World. I personally subscribe to this.

Contribution: Shigeru Miyamoto is known for creating some of gaming's longest and most beloved series, and also really loves his ovoids. Created the best character design in Mario, a slightly overweight plumber, and immediately negated it by trying to name him “Jumpman”. Is basically a harmless old guy who no doubt wanders into meetings and babbles incoherently about playing cards. His kids apparently hate being known as his kids.

Douchebag Moment: When asked if Ratchet and Clank, Sony's flagship platforming title, had been an inspiration for the spherical worlds of Mario Galaxy, Shigeru said he didn't know what it was, and thought it was a PC game. For anyone else in any field, admitting to not knowing your competiton's signature exclusive titles would be heavily criticized, and would be percieved as ethnocentric considering Ratchet and Clank's rather impressive pedigree. Fuck, people jump on Jack Thompson all the time because he gets facts wrong about games he hasn't played. But everyone seems to think Shiggy not knowing shit about the industry is some kind of burn.

Rating: -He's dumb and seriously kind of a dick a lot, but he's got nothing on some of the people coming up. I just wanted to point out that Shigeru Miyamoto is going senile.

Cliff “Cliffy” Bleszinski



Who the fuck calls themselves Cliffy B? Jesus fucking Christ. What a douchebag. Also he looks like a guy who would totally offer wine coolers to 15 year olds if they show him their tits. Fuck you Cliffy B, you mopheaded fuck. Invest in a comb.

Contribution: Made the very good Gears of War and never shuts the fuck up about it. Seriously calls himself Cliffy B. Made a website for nerds to shove their cats into scanners and then gave them prizes, and thank fuck he pulled that off the net (it existed though: http://www.montrealmirror.com/ARCHIVES/1998/112698/worthy.html). Also did a lot of shit no one cares about and is generally well regarded as the douchiest game designer.

Douchebag Moment: I went to Cliffy B's favorite bar once, the Flying Saucer. In order to get your name on the Saucer's wall, which is covered by plates, you have to drink 200 beers eventually. It's pretty stupid, and gets alarmingly expensive at about 6 dollars for beer that I've bought at 7.50 a sixpack. I found Cliffy B's plate, and it said “Beers of War”. Fuck you Cliffy B.

Rating: - Cliffy B looks exactly like the kind of guy who would hold up a baby to block a sniper bullet. He also comes off as a douche in every interview. Fuck you Cliffy B.

Reginald Fils-Aime



Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha look at this fucking guy. Just look at him. Fuck me. I was going to draw an unfavorable comparison to the Archie comics character, but fuck me.

Contribution: Reginald Fils-Aime is a big ole corporate slut who basically became famous for handjobbing Nintendo. Despite never doing or saying anything of interest, Nintendo's slovenly fanbase deemed it the “Reggielution” and made wonderful pictures like this, indicating yet again that Nintendo fans have no sense of anything at all. He's contributed nothing to the world other than marketing and sucking dick.

Also has a horrible name that I never want to see again because I think it is “Feels Anime” every time.

Douchebag Moment: I would not piss on this guy in the desert if he was begging for water.

Rating: – Fuck you Reggie. You made me have to read sigs that said REGGIELUTION and I'M ABOUT KICKING ASS for like three fucking months. You're nothing more than a slut for corporations, any corporation, and you should be fucking ashamed of yourself. There's not a person out there with a shred of dignity who didn't feel gross buying a Wii because of you, and it's actually a decent console you blockheaded fuck. The only reason you don't get five is because I think you're dead or fucked off somewhere.

Ken Kutaragi



Look at this little shithead. Look at his smile. Yeah, you just farted you fat necked dick.

Contribution: Took a company that released two of the most successful consoles ever and ran it into the ground. They even got rid of the fucking built in rumble and tried to steal Nintendo's shtick. Aside from console sales losing to even their own previous generation, of the top ten best reviewed games on the PS3, seven are ports. Conversely, the Xbox 360 has six ports (and the Orange Box is kind of a stretch), and Nintendo's Wii has four.

Douchebag Moment:

Rating: - Fuck you Kutaragi. You took my favorite console and turned it into this shit. Apparently Sony's losing a lot of money on this. You should be embarassed. How the hell did you screw up the next Playstation? People were eating that shit up, you idiot. You're one of the biggest dicks in the gaming industry.

Billy Mitchell



Look at this sack of shit. Look at that TIE. Look at that HAIR. Good fucking christ. I could have just used his head for the douchebag meter. God, that fucking tie.

Contribution: Billy Mitchell is well known for being the worst human being alive. He's famous, ACTUALLY FAMOUS, for playing videogames for too fucking long. His reasoning is “Everyone was standing around the Donkey Kong machine and I wanted that attention”.  Thanks to a fantastic documentary, everyone knows what a worthless dick he is.

Douchebag Moment: There are so many, like when he compares himself to the German pilot the Red Baron, or says that controversy follows him around just like abortion, but my favorite part is when Mitchell refused to come to Funspot and instead sent a videotape in of him beating Steve Wiebe's (a good honest guy who isn't a completely worthless dick, so naturally all the nerds in the movie hate him) record. The videotape actually is edited and reveals static lines over the score when it suddenly jumps up a hundred thousand points.

Rating: -Congrats on being the worst person ever Billy Mitchell. Fuck I'm glad that movie came out. I bet no one talks to your cheating ass anymore. God you are awful. And you have a mullet. And an American tie. There's nothing redeeming about you, save your ability to act as a comically horrible human being. They didn't even have to edit that movie much to show what a dick you are.

That's a rundown of five people who are douchebags. I hope you use this article the next time you need to point out douchebags in the gaming industry (just google “GW douchebags”). God this article makes me feel gross.

Especially Billy Mitchell. Everyone go see the King of Kong.