Just like any other respectable form of entertainment, you've got people who want to get paid the most amount of money doing the least amount of work.  Today, I shed some light on one of comics largest douches, Rob Liefeld.  Some of you well versed in comics are probably rolling your eyes "gawd bakusan i can't believe you're taking such an easy hit" but I chose to do this guy first because non-comic fans are missing out on one of the hugest practical jokes God has ever pulled on mankind.

Anyone even remotely interested in comics has probably heard of him; this inbred looking yokel from California made it big as a comic artist and writer in the 90s.  He eventually went on to co-found Image, made shit tons of money, and appeared in the 1991 Buttonfly Jeans commercial (2:00 in) directed by Spike Lee where he boasts about his awesome skills as an artist with no experience.  To add to his shit list, he likes collecting movie props instead of running a business, he publicly trashed Alan Moore last year, and hangs out with Tom Cruise and Steven Spieljew instead of looking after his company:


As extra topping for his douchey-ness, he embezzled funds from Image to pay off personal debts and slept through meetings.


There's still so much hilarity surrounding this guy but I bet some of you are beginning to wonder how well he drew and wrote comics.  I mean, he had to have been pretty good to get picked up by Marvel, found his own company, and make millions of dollars doing absolutely nothing, right?

WRONG.

Liefeld is self taught, which is cool by me, but Liefeld is a "professional"... whom doesn't create professional work.  Using advanced computer technology, I have drawn up a 5 point chart that evaluates what I have penned as The Liefeld Technique.

#1: ALL MEN HAVE HUGE MUSCLES. 


In the immortal words of Doom Guy "YOU'RE HUGE! THAT MEANS YOU HAVE HUGE GUTS! RIP AND TEAR!!  Seriously, this is fucking gross.  If I woke up one day and found my leg to be the size of a back alley dumpster I'd get the thing checked by a doctor, post haste.  It's obvious Liefeld has never even seen an anatomy book before as his process of drawing muscles = adding thick lines wherever the fuck he pleases.  I feel bad for Cpt. America and his .03% body fat content.  The dude's skin probably isn't even attached to his nerve endings.

#2:  REAL MEN DO NOT HAVE FEET.


Liefeld knows how to set up a group shot... just throw in a bunch of GRIMFACE muscle men, a toothpick woman with  drumstick thighs, and oh shit-- he forgot to leave room to draw the feet!  Note: Liefeld does not draw feet if he can't help it.  Just do a google image search with his name and you'll come across dozens of covers where characters are mysteriously running across a CIRCULAR PLANE just so he can hide the fact that the he sucks at feet.  I decided not to bash his suckiness at drawing hands (which usually includes the index and middle finger as the smallest members and grow increasingly larger as you near the pinky) but man, feet are funnier.  If a shot encompasses a full character, he'll either haphazardly draw little sausages for the feet or he'll use foreshortening" to blend the feet out.  God, you suck Liefeld and I hate you.

#3: MORE LINES! MORE POWER!!


The best way to show detail in the Liefeld Technique style is to draw lines.  Don't ask questions, just add unnecessary lines to everything.  Want to bury one's face in shadow?  Just hatch it up.  Thor's legs aren't dark enough; better scratch my pen all over it.  Hulk's muscles aren't huge enough so I think I'll scribble horizontal lines in recesses.  Speaking of which, why does Hulk have like... 500 latissimus dorsi?  I know he's supposed to be HULK but Jesus Christ he has muscles that don't even EXIST!

Also, notice (once again) the lack of feet.

#4: BACKGROUNDS?  MORE LIKE LINEGROUNDS!


I present to you a challenge.  Read through these panels and try to imagine in your head where it takes place.  Unless you're a master of the abstract, you'll find it's near impossible.  Seriously, where the hell are these guys fighting at?  Manga uses a lot of speed lines but manga also draws in the background.  Liefeld here got too tired adding imaginary muscles that he brushed in a few lines, painted it horrific colors, then called it a day.

Oh, and KCHUCK?  THUD?? A FIST THAT BIG FLYING IN YOUR FACE DOES NOT MAKE A THUD SOUND!!111ONEONEONE.  And once again, look at the FEET WTF ARE THOSE THINGS??  How is it that a man with a SOLID MUSCLE MASS can hold himself up on SIZE 4 FEET.  Where do these guys shop for shoes, at the childrens section in SEARS?  FUCK!

#5: WHUT IZ A WOMYN?


In Liefeld's head, this is what a woman looks like.  I've run out of shit to say so I'll just end the paragraph here and let the silence carry the weight of the above image.

There, I'm done.  If you want to do further reading on the living pile of ASS that is Liefeld then visit this page or do a google search with his name as the subject (seriously, there's nothing positive about this douche).  I'm pretty sure he's a nice guy in real life (er...) but the fact that comics have come so far from being a cheap form of entertainment aimed at prepubescent kids who like BIG SWORDS AND CROTCH SHOTS to a serious form of entertainment that is beginning to achieve the same respect as actual literature and you begin to understand the detrimental effect he's having on the growth of comics.  This guy isn't like Uwe Boll who is widely hated and laughed at; this guy is an influential artist and writer (which I speak of loosely) who makes more money than you do working in a business you want to work in by doing absolutely nothing and making an ass out of him self.

Rob Liefeld is what's wrong with America.  The End.  Period.

Next week: Dave Sim, the insane zealot who sold all his furniture, thinks women are useless tools, brags about his massive member, and who once challenged Jeff Smith to a boxing match over some stupid pissing contest.