The arcade, it is said by scholars, was a wondrous place filled with many lights and the laughter of children. If the ancient texts are to be believed, why did this Eden of entertainment crumble to dust, leaving behind its tattered legacy in the dreary lobbies of movie theaters and water parks? Some have said that the decline of the arcade can be attributed to the leaps and bounds home consoles were making over public machines, but that explanation is for the history books, and history is written by the victors. This is a darker tale, one that may shock you to your very core. Those of you with weak constitutions are encouraged to keep reading because I need the pageviews.

In 1985, the world saw the rise of an innovative little technology called the light gun. The NES Zapper was not the first of its kind, but it was the most popular by far. Its inaugural game was Duck Hunt, with its wildly inaccurate shooting and "That Fucking Dog". Little did we know that this sardonic canine was heralding the destruction of an industry, yea, an era, even! His mocking laughter, hiding behind it a lifetime's worth of pain...pain of seeing people enter the world and leave it, of empires waxing and waning as the years drag on, of stars being forged in the crucible of the universe before collapsing in on themselves in a violent maelstrom of fire and darkness. Oh, yes, HE KNOWS. He's always known. Known what? He knew that this little fluorescent plastic firearm was the beginning of the end—not for consoles, but for arcades.



The late eighties and early nineties saw the peak of the arcade's popularity in the United States. Attendees plunked token after grubby token into games like X-Men: Children of the Atom and Crazy Taxi, and loved every minute of it. Fighting games in particular saw high traffic; sometimes, lines of people waiting to play would form in front of them. Glorious times, indeed! But there was a darker essence, a predator haunting the soda-sticky corners of the gaming hall. It goes by many names: Area 51. Maximum Force. Virtua Cop. Time Crisis. These light gun shooters soon began to choke the arcades with shadowy tendrils of mediocrity, extinguishing the bright lights of the arcade, slowly, over months and years. What's more, it wasn't an accident. This was planned. The arcade, a symbol of entertainment, capitalism, and the United States' struggle with and triumph over the forcers of evil and terror, was destroyed by an influx of shovelware titles. You want proof? Think of every arcade shooter you've ever played. What was different about them? That's right. Remember, and realize the horror of it. They were all the same game. Sure, Area 51 had aliens, and one of them had that little pedal thing you used to take cover, but you were always shooting four thousand bad guys before shooting their helicopter and saving the president's daughter. As technology progressed, so did their aesthetics, but the game never changed.

This kind of stagnant, ever-growing evil is not wrought by the hands of man alone, oh no! This plot was conceived by an intellect vastly more powerful than our own, using humans as you or I might use pawns in a game of chess. Arcades began to step on the toes of the entertainment industry, as people were less inclined to pay eight dollars for a movie ticket, choosing instead to down a few quarters at the nearby arcade for the same amount of fun. CEOs of motion picture production companies made secret deals with ancient forces in order to ensure the arcades wouldn't stand in the way of their profits. Still not convinced? Explain this:



If that isn't hell, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not sure what is. Let us discuss the death of the arcade in America or wherever and experiences with terrible light gun games to chase away the sadness.